Half Light
by chezchuckles
Summary: A Dash Companion. 4th in the Light series. to be read concurrently with Dash It All.
1. Chapter 1

**Half-Light**

* * *

><p>Even in the half light,<br>We can see that something's gotta give.

-Half Light II, Arcade Fire

* * *

><p>"Can you come?" she murmurs into the phone, her head tilted back against the concrete cinderblocks of the stairwell. "Or meet me in the lobby?"<p>

"I thought. . .you said you didn't want-"

"I know, I know," she says hurriedly, hoping she can keep it together long enough. "Just. I want to see you. Both. Please."

"Of course. Of course, Kate."

She hears the confusion, the worry, tries to stuff it back down again, clears her throat. She feels her sticky once-white shirt crack and peel away from her neck. She needs to change. She needs him. "Okay. Text me when you get here."

"We'll just come on up?"

She debates it - really shouldn't, it's not a good idea - but the lobby seems less safe, to be honest, and she can't do this, can't not see them after today.

"Yes, come on up," she says finally. There's still blood under her fingernails.

"Okay, be there soon. Kate?"

"Yeah." Blood under her nails and dried at her chest, her neck, fingerprints smeared at her jaw.

"You know I love you."

"I know." And because anything more would really kill her, she closes her eyes to say it back. "Same here."

* * *

><p>Esposito spots her coming out of the bathroom, glances her up and down. "Better."<p>

She nods. Doesn't feel better, but she's washed the blood off, changed her shirt. "Did the Captain get in touch with-"

Curt nod in reply, cutting her off. It's a thing for Esposito, not saying the fallen officer's name for the first twenty-four hours, a sign of respect not only to their brother, but to the fates, the God, that controls his destiny.

Ryan's turn to come out of the stairwell, cell phone slipping back into his vest pocket. His eyes are suspiciously bright, but he held himself together too. Esposito hasn't called Lanie, not that Beckett can tell anyway, but that might be due to the fact that Lanie will no doubt be handling the body.

The three of them stand there for a moment, wordless and unable to touch on the dizzying sense of grief and mortality.

Her vision begins to tunnel, blackness telescoping; she sucks in a long breath to fight it, doesn't want to give in and put her head between her knees, not today, not now, but she just might. She just might have to break.

"Guys. Kate. God, what's happened?"

She jerks her eyes open, spins around.

"Castle," she croaks, rushing to him, feeling his fierce, if one-armed, embrace, his mouth at her temple, her cheek, her ear, breathing against her.

The baby squirms, little hand comes seeking her face, her mouth; Kate turns her head and smiles at Ellery through the mist in her eyes, her chest easing, like mud cracking, at the sight of her daughter.

"Hey, my beautiful girl," she whispers, lifting a hand to cup the baby's skull, fingers brushing wispy dark hair.

"That's my line," Castle murmurs, and it does lift her, it does make it better. She can't laugh yet, but she can let herself be pulled up. "Do you want her?"

Kate shakes her head. "Might drop her, the way it's going."

"What happened, Kate?"

"One of our uniforms was shot. Frank Berlinsky. He was five years from retirement. I was closest to him. He's. . .gone."

Castle's arm tightens around her; she feels his chin tucking in against her jaw, his hand in her hair and holding on.

She can still smell it, death and blood and bowels. Fear. A lot of fear. Berlinsky went out slowly, agonizingly; she crouched over him in her vest knowing it wasn't enough even as his hands scrabbled against her, clutching at her, his eyes not seeing, the bottom half of his jaw blown off.

She swallows down the rise of her stomach, presses her nose into the baby's neck, feels the little hands come to her cheeks in delight. Castle's got Ella propped against his chest, arm across her middle, facing outward because she likes to see. Makes her perfectly positioned to comfort her mother.

Castle rubs his hand up and down her back. "Did you get the guy?"

"Esposito shot him."

"Good. Then go ask for a personal day, Kate."

"That would be lovely, but I can't. I have to-"

"I'm not asking; I'm telling you." Castle drops his arm, steps back, withholding.

She shivers, reaches out to touch Ella's leg but Castle curls his hand around her fingers, shakes his head.

She told him to do this. She told him to. If this seems like - to her way of thinking - the least opportune time for him to start exercising his right to make her slow down, make her rest, then she has to trust that he knows what he's doing. Knows her.

Of course he does.

Kate rubs her arms briskly and nods back at him, heads towards the Captain's office.

She just had her husband bring her six-month old to the 12th precinct. There is no doubt in her mind that Castle is right - she needs a personal day.

Or five.

* * *

><p>It takes awhile to get out of there, of course. Kate's haggling for personal days in the Captain's office while Rick gets to show off their little girl, a cluster of old friends and new faces around them as he sits in his old spot, the chair beside her desk.<p>

Esposito is leaning against Beckett's desk, making fierce faces at Ellery - his version of peek-a-boo or something. He's both ridiculous looking and also kinda. . .

Yeah, the baby is making all of them sappy. Rick shifts, cradling Ellery against him, fingers splayed over her chest and belly to hold her in place. She keeps lifting her head up to peer around, watching everyone, making those little chirrupy noises with her mouth, smiling wide at anyone who comes close enough.

Her eyes are still blue, wide and beautiful, contrasting so sharply with her dark hair that it gives her a perpetually knowing look, as if she's wiser than a six month old can possibly be. Ryan is taking photos on his phone and sending them to Jenny, who in turn sends back photos of their newborn, sleeping at the moment apparently.

"So why Ellery?" Esposito says, sitting up from his hunched position in front of the baby. "Beckett never explained your reasons. She just rolled her eyes and said it was your turn to pick."

Castle grins. "Another mystery writer, detective fiction. Both the author and the name of the lead character - Ellery Queen."

Espo grunts. "Aiight."

Yeah, he doesn't get it. They had to explain Dashiell's name a couple of times too, so he's used to it. But Ellery Queen is even less well-known than Dashiell Hammett, and Castle expected it.

"You don't like my daughter's name, Espo?" Kate says, coming through the group crowded around them to get to her desk.

"Naw," Esposito drawls, flicking his finger under Ellery's chin. The girl chirps at him, that high and light little noise they haven't been able to figure out - and don't want to stop. "She sounds like a baby bunny."

"She sounds like a cricket," Kate laughs, gathering stuff from her desk so she can finally go. She turns to Castle; he lifts an eyebrow, waiting on the final word. "I've got two days. He wasn't happy."

"Perfect. We'll make 'em count."

"Hey man, don't wanna know," Esposito says, and slowly turns away, heading back to his desk, both hands up in surrender while they laugh at him.

The knot of uniforms and detectives disperses; Kate drops her bag at his feet beside the messenger bag with baby stuff in it that Castle carries around. He glances up at her and she holds her arms out.

He grins and lifts Ellery up to her, standing as he hands her off. "Go see, Momma, baby girl."

Kate nudges her nose against Ella's, draws her against her chest, humming at her. "Hey there, little one. Did you have fun meeting everybody? I know they enjoyed you."

Castle slings both bags over his shoulder, puts a hand to Kate's back, a reminder to move. She starts forward, a hand drifting to her hip to check her weapon, badge, then wrapping both arms around the baby.

He punches the call button for the elevator, watches the two of them, Kate's lips barely moving as she murmurs into Ellery's ear, more of that love language, secret spells and mother's tongue that hypnotizes both their kids. He tries not to be too curious because he loves it so much; it entrances him with its mystery.

"Can we leave Dashiell in preschool?" Castle steps on the elevator, hand up at the doors to keep them from closing on her as she follows him.

Kate sighs. "We shouldn't interrupt his day. He loves it. I - I'll be okay."

"I could call, have them check the classroom." He punches the lobby button.

His wife turns to him suddenly, eyes lifted, weary again but brimming with need. "Oh. Could you?"

Castle takes out his phone from his pocket, immediately presses the preschool's speed dial, watching Kate's face as he does. She was closest, isn't that what she said? He spotted a smear of blood behind her ear when he arrived; it's still there, so she must have missed it when she was cleaning up.

She'll tell him the whole story when she's ready. The line clicks on.

"Hey, Ms. Kim, this is Richard Castle. You mind indulging me?"

Kate sighs and leans back against the elevator, some of the tension leaving her even as he says it. She tilts her head to him, mouths _thank you_ even as he's asking Kim to go check on Dash.

Kim puts him on hold and he uses the moment to study his wife, the curl of her arm around Ellery's little body, the darkness in her eyes. Kim comes back on a few seconds later - Dash was in the hall with his class, right outside her door.

He hangs up. "He's fine, making spray bottle paintings. Whatever that is."

Kate nods, gives him a weak smile. "So. Two days, Castle. I'm all yours."

"You always have been," he smirks back, leaning in to press a soft kiss to her mouth, mentally calculating just how much time they have before the doors open onto the lobby.

She sighs into his mouth, slides her tongue along his top lip. "Castle," she murmurs softly, as if just saying his name is somehow helping her.

3. . .2. . .1

The lift shudders and he pulls back as the doors open, guides her off the elevator with a light touch at her back.

"Let me take you home, Kate," he says gently, bringing his hand up to squeeze her neck.

She nods and he sees it surface in her eyes again.

He's going to have to do something about that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Half-Light**

* * *

><p>She wanted to pick up her son, have her family around her like insulation or cotton wool, but it's ridiculous. Irrational. And so she's without him, Dashiell, the sensation like a phantom limb, like a frayed edge to her shirt that she keeps picking at, telling herself it's nothing, but unable to stop worrying over it.<p>

Ellery sleeps against her chest, little mouth open at Kate's sternum, the wisps of dark hair curling at the girl's delicate ear, the line of her neck. Kate smooths it down again, these flyaway pieces, leans forward from the headboard to brush her lips over Ellery's cheek. She slides her knees up in bed and tilts her head back again.

The weight of her baby girl, warm and sweaty with sleep, does much to keep Kate from spinning out. But when she closes her eyes, she still sees the man at her left rock backwards, sees the explosion of jaw bone and flesh and blood - not right, not good.

She opens her eyes, blinks rapidly, stares down at her daughter: pale cheek, parted mouth, tiny fingers, narrow shoulders under the onesie. She smooths her thumb down the slope of the girl's back, little body hunched up into her mother.

Kate's throat eases, and she lifts her eyes to watch Castle move around their bedroom, dumping clothes into suitcases, stopping midway as he remembers something else and disappears beyond her view. When he comes back with another bag, she finally asks, curious now.

"We going somewhere?"

"Yes." He wiggles his eyebrows at her, plants two fists into the mattress for balance and leans over to snag her mouth in a quick, intrusive kiss. She reaches up a hand to grab for his neck, hold him in place, but he's already darting back.

"Where you going?" she laughs.

"Stuff to do, babe."

"Castle," she growls, pointing her finger at him. He grins back and disappears out the door again.

Kate turns to the sleeping six month old, strokes her finger over the baby's forehead. "Daddy is being goofy, isn't he?" she murmurs softly. She's not afraid of waking Ella; the little thing sleeps all the time, through the worst of Dashiell's tantrums or the tv turned up. "You're out, baby girl, aren't you? Just like your daddy. I'm so glad you can sleep."

Castle returns just then, bringing his smile and a pile of clothes from the laundry room with him. "She's a champion sleeper. We have competitions. She beats me every time."

Kate laughs, feels the sound of it release something in her chest that spills over her eyes as well, faint marks wet against her cheeks. Mortifying, the way she can't seem to control it anymore. She swipes at her eyes with her free hand.

Castle comes to the bed, curls his hand at the back of her neck and kisses her forehead. "Hey." Concern and resignation in one. His lips feather against her eyelid, her temple.

"Yeah." She nods against his touch, letting him know all he needs to know. Just that she's there with him. Everything else is too complicated at the moment.

He leans back, his fingers brush the hair away from her face.

"So. I was thinking."

She takes a breath. "Yeah?"

"The Hamptons. It's summer - there's the pool, the beach, the hottub. . ." Castle leers at her; she laughs again, sighing into it this time, feeling her body relax.

"The Hamptons."

"Yeah."

"Will Alexis be able to go?" Allie. Kate smiles to herself, sees that Castle appreciates the use of his daughter's given name, not the nickname she and Alexis have started using.

"No," he says softly. "I already called."

"Oh." It's been harder than she expected, letting her go, having her leave the apartment after spending all last year with them. "Still. . ."

"It'll be the rest of us. It can be good. You need it," he says finally, as if closing the deal.

She does. Need it. Badly. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes. Let's go the Hamptons in the middle of the week, in the hottest month of the year-"

"We can shoot fireworks." He grins and glances down to their bags at the end of the bed. "Dash will love-"

"No."

"Kate."

"No. My son is not shooting fireworks, Richard Castle."

He narrows his eyes at her. "We'll talk."

"No talk necessary. Final word."

"I was shooting fireworks-"

"Not at two!"

His mouth quirks; he has her. "Au contraire-"

"Seriously? Your mother let-" Kate stops, bites it back. Of course. His mother had no idea. Kate gives just slightly. "We'll talk."

"Yes!" Castle fist pumps and jumps up from the bed.

"That is not a yes, Castle."

"It might as well be."

And though she's ticked at him (because he's probably right; he can sweettalk her into anything), she's also warming up, so grateful for his nudges, the way he cajoles and teases and makes outlandish and crazy statements to get her riled up, back to herself.

Kate untangles an arm from around Ellery, reaches out to snag Castle's belt loop, tugging. He turns back to her, smile still flirting with his lips.

"Thank you."

* * *

><p>Kate leaves Castle in the car with Ellery and heads into West Park to pick up her son. She's got the ID card in hand and swipes it across the lock, lets herself in. She has to sign him out at the front desk; Kim brings Dashiell out herself, holding him by the hand.<p>

Kate's chest eases as Dash catches sight of her and grins. She kneels down to catch him, the boy flying at her, backpack thumping, and she wraps her arms around him, hugging him tightly. He smells like play-doh and sunshine and little boy sweat.

"Hey there, baby," she murmurs, then kisses his cheek with a smack, rubs her lip gloss from his skin with her thumb.

"Mommy picks me up?"

"Today I am," she says, grinning at him.

He wraps his arms around her neck. "Carry you," he says, reverting to baby talk.

Kate picks him up, has to slide his backpack off his shoulders to keep from pitching forwards. She slings his bag over her own shoulder, kisses him again, the relief of having him rushing through her like a flash flood, sweeping away her common sense.

"Did Rick tell you we'd be out of town the next three days?"

Kim smiles. "I heard. Thank you for letting us know. Hey, Dash, you have fun, okay?"

"Okay."

His fingers tangle in the hair at the nape of her neck, twirling slowly. Kate thanks Ms. Kim for bringing him out.

"Oh, and he hasn't napped yet. Just to let you know."

Explains the way his head droops to Kate's shoulder.

"Okay, my wild man, you ready to go?"

"I'm all ready. Daddy?"

"Daddy and baby girl are in the car waiting on us."

"Where we go, Mommy?"

"We're going to our house on the beach, remember our house on the beach?"

"With the pool. I 'member." His fingers twirl again, little fingers brushing her skin as she walks them out of the preschool. The curl has fallen out of his hair in the last year, but it does wave a little at the front; his eyes are dark as her own, more so at times. She kisses his cheek again, can't help it, and he leans his head against hers with a sigh.

"You tired, baby?"

"We almost had naptime."

"Well, we'll be in the car for naptime. You can watch your dvds, sleep if you want."

"Hard to sleep, Mommy."

"I know it is, sweetheart." She squeezes him, sighing at the thought. "But you usually sleep in the car, you know?"

"I do?"

"Mm, you do." She sees Castle climbing out of the passenger seat, opening the back door and holding his hands out for Dash. She passes him over so that Castle can strap him into his seat, glances over his shoulder to see little Ellery - still asleep.

Dash happily kicks the back of the seat in front of him, holds his hands out, _gimme gimme._ Kate nudges the back of Castle's knee, making him glance back at her.

"His dvd player - the headphones," she murmurs.

He nods. "In the bag up front."

Kate moves around him, grabs the kid's travel bag from the floorboard of the passenger seat. Inside, she finds the portable dvd player, grabs his headphones and plugs them in, then hands it back to Castle.

"Which movie you want, buddy?"

"My movie."

Castle nods at her, but she has no idea. "What movie is that?"

"Incredibles."

Oh, right. The boy's name in that one is Dash; she forgot he liked it so much.

"Daddy, we gonna miss baseball."

"Well, yeah, the afternoon game. I did promise, but we'll watch tomorrow's on satellite at the beach. How about that?"

"Can I swim in the pool?"

"Of course. And Daddy will take you in the ocean too," Kate says, handing over the correct dvd to Castle.

He pops it in, sets everything up, and then shuts the door on Dash in the back seat. Kate glances over at Castle, pulls the keys out of her pocket, holds them up by the keychain he bought for her awhile back - it is, quite literally, a ball and chain.

Castle closes his fingers around the keys, raises an eyebrow at her.

"Three hour drive," she murmurs, shakes her head at him. "I'd rather you do it. I want to. . .turn around and look at my kids."

Castle's arm hooks around her neck before she has a chance to even register the tenderness springing up in his eyes. She goes into him, takes in a deep breath of the scent of his skin, kisses his neck. She's wearing jeans, a white tshirt, boots with a low heel, sloppily pulled together really, but it's about all she can manage right now.

She still sees Berlinsky when she closes her eyes, and sometimes even when her eyes are open. The gaping maw, the roll of his agonized eyes, the scrabble of his panicked hands against her vest, her neck, trying to get purchase on her as he fell - needing help or mindless with pain.

Castle's mouth against her temple, his soft and heavy breathing brings her rushing back into the present moment. Kate sucks in a breath and squeezes his forearm, letting him know she's okay. For now.

"I'll drive then," he says.

When they both get in the Audi, his hand creeps over the center console and lays on top of hers, lacing their fingers together, not letting go.

She tries to shake him off when he starts the car, but he makes her wrap her hand around the gearshift, put the car into first as they drive through the parking lot and out the church's main gate. He still doesn't let go, even though it's awkward, and then they shift the car into second, third, fourth at his directing touch, her palm to the warm leather.

Changing gears together.

* * *

><p>"He has Julie tomorrow at nine," she murmurs, flipping through the planner that Castle likes to refer to as their Dash-book. "I'll call her and cancel."<p>

"Ask what she wants to do about the washing machine."

Kate bites her lower lip, rubs her forehead with the heel of her hand. "I forgot to tell you."

"What?" he says, glancing over at her briefly before putting his eyes back on the road.

"She's going to email a social story. For the washing machine. She told me to read him the story before we have to do a load, and then whenever we see him about to have a meltdown."

"Really?" Castle huffs out a breath. He's the one who found Julie, Dashiell's behavioral therapist, and he was the one who insisted that they follow her to the letter. But Kate often has to fight him to believe in those methods as wholeheartedly as she does. She has a feeling that Castle thinks that she's trying to fix their son, but she's not.

"It will work, Rick," she says wearily. She doesn't want to have this fight again. "You know the social stories work. Remember the story we used to get him to wear his sunglasses?"

"Yeah, but that was actually in his benefit. The noise of the washing machine actually hurts him, Kate. I don't think telling him a story is going to change his body's inability to process sounds correctly."

"I think it can. The power of suggestion, first of all. And jeez, Castle, coming from you? You seriously want me to believe that a story can't change someone's life?"

He growls but she knows it's not at her. Well, a little of it is, probably. He's mostly just upset that she keeps holding out for a magic cure for Dashiell's issues. She knows it won't happen overnight, but she's not going to dismiss something before they even try.

"All right. Fine. I'll tell him a social story about the washing machine. Did you print it off?"

She's about to say yes when her lungs expand into a yawn that cracks her jaw wide and arches her back. She huffs a laugh, rubs her eyes, closes the datebook with all of Dashiell's therapy appointments. "Okay, truce. I'm a little. . ."

"Exhausted?" he offers, shooting her a grin as he drives. "My bad. You should sleep. I'll call Julie and cancel when we get to the house."

She hums and nods at him, her eyes already closing. A flash of memory - dangling jaw, clawing fingers - has her jerking upright, eyes open again. She swallows hard and turns in her seat to look at her kids.

Dashiell is asleep, his head propped against the car seat, mouth open, headphones slipping off his ears. She leaves him as he is, knowing that even a touch will wake him up again, then cranes her neck and looks at the tiny little girl in her carrier, still so very small even as six months.

"Kids asleep?" Castle says softly.

"Yeah."

"Your turn, Kate."

"Yeah. Just." She can't say she's having flashbacks, can't really say anything at all. She doesn't want those pictures in Castle's head either.

He lifts a hand from the wheel and clasps hers. "I'll wake you before you can wake them."

She blinks back the overwhelming urge to cry, knowing it's just the day and her kid's issues and her own hormones, but she tilts her face up to the roof of the car on a sigh, chewing on her tongue to keep from spilling more tears.

Castle releases her hand. "Sleep."

"Yeah." This time when she closes her eyes, there's just the outline of pink around darkness, the sun still trying to get at her behind her eyelids. And that's okay.


	3. Chapter 3

**Half-Light**

* * *

><p>"Kate."<p>

A brush of fingers down her cheekbone, the engine turning off, and she's awake, startled by the quiet.

"What?"

"Hey, sorry." He's palming his hand down her arm. "Can you take Dash in? The women's bathroom is always cleaner."

She blinks and turns her head, sees the gas station he's parked at. "Oh. Yes. Wow, he told you he needs to go?"

"Yup."

"Oh, good boy." Kate twists in her seat to look at Dash, bright eyes, humming to himself, wriggling in his seat. She gets going, blinks to wake herself up, opens her door, fumbling past the seatbelt.

Castle is laughing at her; she shoots him a look and stumbles out, gets Dash's door open and thumbs open his carseat's safety restraint. "Hey there, baby. You need to go to the bathroom?"

"I need to potty, Mommy."

"Yeah, that's great. Let's go."

She picks him up and carries him inside on her hip, walking fast. A sign on the door says to ask for the bathroom key at the front. At the register is an old man in a dirty trucker hat and jeans, plaid shirt despite the heat. He gives her a look.

"Bathroom is for paying customers only."

"So I'll buy something," she snaps, and holds her hand out for the key.

The man clears his throat with a long look, hands her the key, then turns his head, grabs a stained styrofoam cup, and spits.

Ug. Nasty.

Kate hustles Dash back to the women's bathroom, unlocks the door, locks it behind them. One toilet in a cramped stall. The smell is rank and made worse by the fruity air freshener stuck to the back of the tank.

Dashiell turns his head and shoves his face into her neck with a whimper. "Mommy."

Not good. Really not good.

"Okay, buddy, I know. It smells really bad, doesn't it?"

He takes a long shuddering breath at her neck. She drops down onto her haunches, her toes keeping them balanced. "Can you stand up to go?"

He shakes his head. Castle's been working on it with him, making it a game, but maybe the smell is too overwhelming for him to try.

That's been their biggest problem, getting over the smell of public bathrooms. Well, and getting a little sister only a month into their potty training set him back, plus neither of them had time to help Dash like he needs, and so. . .so he'll be three in four more months and he's still in pull-ups during the day, still in diapers at night.

"Okay, let me clean off the seat and then we'll try, okay, my man?" She jostles him at her shoulder, tickles his chin a little to make him squirm, and then laugh, his face coming up to give her a small smile. "You can do it."

She sets him on his feet, then pulls toilet paper from the roll to wipe the seat. She schools her features to keep Dash from seeing just how grossed out she is, then helps him get his pants and pullup underwear down.

She settles him on the seat, her hands on his upper thighs, thumb positioned to help him aim (she learned her lesson on that one), while Dash holds on to the seat with both hands. His skinny little butt would fall right through without some help.

His face contorts; he starts to gag.

"Hey, buddy, you can do it. Just relax, remember? Don't think about it. Look at me."

He shoots her a look, anxious and pleading, hunches over to press his cheek against hers. Kate closes her eyes, kisses his ear, heart twisted for her son. Distraction, Julie said. He needs a good distraction-

"Tell me a story, Mommy."

"Okay, yeah, good idea. What kind of story?"

"Beckett story."

"Ohh, I have a good one. About you. Wanna hear it, my man?"

"Yes, yes," he sighs. "Hear my story."

"Okay, buddy, sit up to hear this." She blows a kiss into his neck as he moves, making him giggle a little bit, and she grins at him as he sits back. "Okay, this is the story about when Mommy and Daddy got married."

"Oh, I love this story," he murmurs, his eyes growing wide, lashes framing his dark eyes.

"Me too. Daddy tells it better than me, but I'll do my best." Kate leans forward, kisses his cheek. "Daddy and I wanted it to be a big surprise for everybody so we kept it a secret. We made all of our family and friends go out to Papa's cabin one Saturday morning, but we didn't tell anybody why."

"Cause it was a secret."

"That's right. Papa helped us set up chairs right on the lake behind his house, and Daddy had people decorate. Tio and Uncle Kevin showed everybody where they could sit and Allie and Tia and Gram lined up by the lake in beautiful dresses."

"Where were you, Mommy?"

"I was in the house with Papa."

"And where was Daddy?"

"Daddy was down at the end of the dock, with the minister, waiting for me."

"And where was I?" Dash grins, his face splitting so wide. He already knows this story.

"You were with Tio. You were still a baby. A chatty baby. And everybody wanted to see you and hold you and talk to you. You were the star."

"I held it up."

"That's right, Dash. You held us up," she laughs. Castle must have told him that. It's true. She was inside with her father, ready to get on with things and Esposito was taking his sweet time, making the rounds with Dash.

"And then what?"

"And then the music started and Tio ran up to the front with you, in line with the girls and Uncle Kevin and Captain Mo."

"He was late."

"Tio was late."

Dashiell shifts on the seat and watches her; he seems to have forgotten where they are. "I got to be with the boys cause I was Daddy's best man."

"You're still Daddy's best man," she murmurs, leaning in to quickly kiss his cheek.

"And then?"

"Papa and I started walking down the long, white carpet that went between the seats where all of our people were sitting, and then we walked between the two lines - the girls on one side and the boys on the other-"

"And me!"

"And you, with Tio and Uncle Kevin and Captain Mo."

"And then?"

"And then Papa and I walk down to the end of the dock where your Daddy is-"

"And Daddy's so happy."

"And Daddy is so very happy," she murmurs, smiling at the little boy who knows this story by heart. "He's grinning. And I'm happy. Papa leaves me with your Daddy, and Daddy takes my hand-"

"And he kisses you!"

"He kisses me. In front of everyone."

"For a long time!"

She laughs. "For a long time. I can hear the water in the lake lapping against the dock, I can hear the people sitting down behind us, and then I hear-"

"Baby Dash!"

"I hear baby Dash. And you will just not be quiet. You wanted to let everybody know you were there."

"I was so happy too."

Kate lifts an eyebrow - that's a new piece to the story. "Yes, you were pretty happy. The minister is trying to talk about what it means to get married, and we're all trying to listen, and Daddy has my ring and is about to put it on my finger, but instead he turns around-"

"You were so surprised!"

Understatement. "I was. Daddy turns around and goes down to the end of the dock and tells Tio to just bring you to him."

"I wanted to be with my Daddy."

"You did. Tio gave you to Daddy and you put your head right against Daddy's shoulder and you did - you looked so happy. You stopped talking-"

"What words did I say?"

"Oh, not words like we say. Just. . .talking. Like Ellery talks-"

"Chirps?" Dashiell tilts his head, puzzling that out, and Kate realizes he's started to go to the bathroom. And maybe doesn't even realize it. She hurries to finish the story.

"You just said words that you knew what they meant, but it wasn't anything we could understand. And then Daddy came back with you and my ring too, and he put it on my finger with your help."

"I wanted my Daddy."

"You wanted your Daddy," she agrees, smoothing her finger against his side. "And then I put Daddy's ring on his finger, and after that I got to kiss Daddy again, and then my baby boy-"

"And you were man and wife!"

"That's right. The minister said we were married. So Daddy and I walked back down the dock together, with you against Daddy's shoulder, and everyone told us congratulations and wanted to pat you on the back, and say how cute you were."

He scrunches up his face at that, then gives her a surprised, eyes-wide-open look. "Mommy, I go pee!"

Kate laughs and bites her lip. "You are. You had to really go, didn't you?"

It trickles to a stop and Dash bounces on the seat. "I went pee in the potty!"

"What a good boy-"

"Do I get an M&M?"

"You know what?" She helps him off the seat, starts pulling everything back up. "I think after all the work we did, you and I get to split a whole bag of M&Ms."

"Yay!" Dashiell wriggles against her; she snaps his pants and tugs his shirt down, lets him go. She won't make him flush it himself this time; she uses her foot for that, then hikes him up on her hip so he can reach the sink.

Soap, hot water - too hot, but she can't make it colder - and then they are out of there. She's trying to remember where Castle put the hand sanitizer he keeps in his car for just such an occasion when the guy at the register gives her a long look.

"A whole bag," Dashiell crows as the door slams shut behind them.

"To share with Mommy." She lets him down, takes the key back to the old man chewing tobacco.

"And Daddy?"

"Sure, Daddy can have some too."

Now to purchase M&Ms and a couple other things, just to get this guy to stop watching her like she's a hooligan.

* * *

><p>Castle watches Kate hand back another couple of M&amp;Ms, her feet propped up on the dashboard, humming along to the Black Keys album he's got playing on the ipod.<p>

"El still asleep?" he murmurs, turning it up just a little bit more, hoping to coax Kate into singing along as well. He's heard her voice so rarely like this; the last time was probably when they made Ellery. To the Black Keys then as well.

Kate shifts, peers awkwardly into the backward-facing carseat. "Still asleep. I'd be worried about her getting any sleep tonight, except it's Ellery. She'll sleep the night through even after all this."

Castle grins at her, slides his hand along her knee. "Sleeps like me."

"Thank goodness. Soon as we can get Dash in some kind of karate or heavy-work sport, I think he'll sleep better. Julie seems to think so."

"Yeah, yeah," he nods, puts his hand back on the steering wheel so he's not tempted. "I agree. It's just-"

"You think he's too young. I know. When he's three."

"Three," he agrees. But he doesn't really agree, does he? It's just the best compromise he can come up with. He doesn't think Dash's sensitive little heart is at all compatible with karate, but even the behavioral therapist thinks karate will wear him out enough to exhaust his sensory system - heavy work.

"M&M?" she murmurs, holding out the candy to him.

He opens his mouth and leans in, watching the road; she slides it over his lips, her thumb brushing the corner of his mouth longingly. Castle glances over at her, inquisitive, and she nods. He grins to himself and she turns the music up a little more, her humming breaking out into words from time to time.

"More, Mommy!"

Kate laughs and hands back two more, arching her neck, her arm outstretched, all beautiful long lines and hard curves. When she turns around, she lays her arm along the back of his seat, her fingers brushing through the hair at the nape of his neck. He glances at her, sees the grin on her lips and feels the palm warm against his skin.

He catches his breath and forces his eyes back to the road.

"Later, Rick," she murmurs.

He risks one more look, sees the way grief still battles the heat in her eyes.

He sighs, turns back to the drive ahead of him. He's certain he'll get the story out of her, though it will probably come only after he gets her in bed, releases some of that heat.

Later.


	4. Chapter 4

**Half-Light**

* * *

><p>Castle leaves Ellery in the baby carrier in the floor of the kitchen, then follows Kate and Dash out the sliding glass doors to the back deck. Dash is off like a shot towards the pool, but he's had a child fence installed around it since they were here last. He knows better now. Dashiell mashes his face against the mesh and looks longingly inside.<p>

"Pool, Mommy."

"In the morning," she says gently, running her hand through his hair.

"We could go now," Castle says, shrugging at her look. "It's not even dark. And the pool has lights." He heads back to the sliding glass doors, steps inside to flip the switch. The lights make the water glow enticingly, and he sees Kate step up to the soft gate, lay a hand over the top.

He heads back outside with the keys to the car in his hand, nudges her hip.

She turns and nods. "Sure."

"Yay!" Dashiell exclaims, jumping up and down. It's been hot enough outside these days that the water will feel like bathtub, but when the sun sets it may get cold.

"For a little while, baby," Kate adds. "Castle. Not too long. Wild man starts to sink when he's tired."

Castle laughs, but it's true. He's been working with Dashiell on swimming, but he tends to quit treading water when he gets tired. So he nods in agreement and turns towards the sliding glass doors. "I'll go get our stuff. Ellery's in the kitchen."

She brushes her hand down his forearm, then raises on her toes to kiss his mouth. Her tongue touches his lips, lightly, before she's backing away again. He feels her fingers release his wrist, and he watches her a moment, but she's already turning to Dash.

Castle leaves them to it, heads back through the mostly dark house, back out the front door towards the circle drive. He pops the trunk and starts unpacking bags, realizing that he probably left a lot at home that they should have. There are only a few baby things here leftover from Dash, so they can make do. Only one high chair, one crib. They'll have to see if Dashiell will sleep in a big bed.

He carries stuff back in, bags slung over his shoulders, piles it in the entryway. Kate comes towards him, grabs the bag he packed Dashiell's clothes in, calls for Dash to follow her. He goes back out and gets the rest of it, wincing as he sees just how little he actually brought for a three day getaway with two kids.

No snacks. No groceries period. A couple of sippy cups. A couple of bottles that were already in the baby bag. He did remember formula, and diapers, but wow. He's forgotten a lot. He'll have to make a run in the morning.

Castle finds Kate's bag and his own, heads upstairs. She's got the baby carrier in their room, Ellery still asleep, so he dumps their stuff on the bed and leans down to brush his finger along Ella's little cheek. She stirs, makes that noise with her tongue or cheeks that sounds like chirping, but her eyes stay closed.

"Rick?"

He stands up and heads down the hallway to the bedroom they use for Dashiell - he had it painted and decorated to match his room at home. "I'll have to pull the crib out," he says, standing in the doorway.

"Huh?" She glances up from the floor, tugging Dashiell's swimsuit up over his hips. "The crib? You mean you didn't bring the pack and play?"

He shakes his head, winces. She sighs.

"Okay. Dashiell is a big boy, right? You'll sleep in the bed in your room, won't you, buddy?"

Dashiell dances from foot to foot, his hands on his mother's shoulders. "I can sleep with you, Mommy."

"No, baby."

"I can sleep with Daddy."

Rick laughs. "Not that either. You can sleep here. But first, let's talk about pool rules."

"Mommy already said."

"Okay. Tell me then."

"No running."

"Exactly, what else?" Castle reaches down and tugs Kate up off the floor; she trails her hand across his back as she leaves the room to change. He calls after her, "Stuff's on the bed."

"Thanks."

"No jumping in without Mommy or Daddy watching-"

"Mommy and Daddy have to say 'go' remember? Not just watching, or you think we're watching. Sometimes you think we are but we're not-"

"Right. Say 'Go!' and I can jump."

"Right." Castle leans back against the bed and wrestles his son into his lap. "You wearing pullups?"

"No! Mommy says not to pee in the pool, though."

"Please don't," he laughs. "No one wants to swim in a pee-pool."

"A pee pool!" Dashiell cracks up, sprawling in Castle's lap.

"So. You are two years old, almost three. So there are two pool rules. But, when you're three, you'll have three rules."

"Oh. What's my third rule?" Dashiell holds on to his father's shoulders and steps up onto Castle's thighs, his little feet sliding back and forth as Castle's flexes, making them both grin.

"When you're three. Your third rule will be about swimming."

"Why I no have rules about swimming now?"

"Because you're not really swimming, are you? I hold you up and you tread water. But when you're three, you'll be able to swim without me holding you."

"What about Mommy?"

"Mommy too. She'll be happy to see you swimming."

"Mommy told me a story while I peed in the potty."

"Yeah?" Castle pops his knees up and causes Dashiell to bounce, giggling.

"I walkin' on you, Daddy."

"You are. You did a good job going potty, by the way."

"Can we go to the pool now?"

"Sure. Let's go see if Mommy and Ellery are ready."

He scoops Dashiell up and heads for the master bedroom. He convinced Kate last year to buy a few things, redecorate, and he really loves what she did with the whole house. In their room, the king-sized bed is covered by a simple cloth patterned in cool blue and grey, light in the summer heat. The floors are bamboo, the pieces of furniture easy to clean; the whole place, actually, looks effortless and simple and fun, a place to live rather than a museum.

"Mommy?" Castle calls out, carrying Dash into the room.

Kate steps from the bathroom into their line of sight, pulling her hair back with a ponytail holder. "Ready."

Dashiell leans out for her; she takes him from Castle and gestures towards the carrier.

"I think she needs to be changed."

He narrows his eyes at her as she smiles and gives Dashiell a loud raspberry against the boy's neck.

He leans over the carrier in the floor and unstraps Ellery, just in time to hear her making those chirping noises again, as if echoing her mother. "Hey, wait a sec."

He lifts Ella out and turns back to Kate as she hesitates in the doorway, Dashiell with both arms around her neck and leaning out towards the hall.

"Dashiell," Rick calls, getting his attention. "Listen to Ellery. Hear her? She wants a kiss from Mommy too."

Kate gives him a funny look but steps in closer; the three of them fall silent and Ellery sucks on her cheeks or maybe it's her tongue, and then she clicks and chirps, watching them.

Dashiell laughs and leans over to his baby sister, his fingers out. Castle catches him before he can poke her in the eye, juggles the girl in his other arm. "Careful, buddy. Soft touch."

"She makes sounds," Dashiell says, sounding surprised.

"She's trying to figure out how to talk," Kate laughs, kissing his cheek when he leans against her. "She hears her big brother talk talk talk and she wants to be like you."

"I talk talk talk?"

"You talk a lot," Castle laughs. "But we love to hear you talk."

"Shh," Dash says suddenly. "I wanna hear what she says."

Castle sees Kate bite her lip and throw him a shared laughing glance; he grins back and they all remain silent, listening. His eyes stray to Ellery, the baby so light and fragile in his arms, his little, tiny girl.

She makes those noises again, her eyes on his, seeing something she likes in whatever she can focus on - maybe the round line of his face or even Dashiell leaning in close. She loves to watch Dash.

Kate gives a soft little noise and reaches out a hand, brushes it over the top of Ellery's head. Castle can see the amazing tenderness in her eyes, the joy. He's not sure he can remember seeing that look on her face when she was pregnant with Dashiell, but she had it often with Ellery. He feels proud that he has had anything at all to do with putting that look there.

He raises his hand to steady Dash, and that lets Kate lean in closer and kiss Ellery's forehead, thumb brushing over the spot when she lifts up again.

"Hey there my little cricket," she murmurs, her voice low and gorgeous, soft and thick with emotion.

"Cricket," he echoes, and grins at her. She gives something of a vulnerable smile back and comes in closer, their kids crowded between them. Dashiell wriggles around, but Castle has a hand on him, keeps his head from butting into their chins, manages to get his lips to Kate's.

When she kisses him, she kisses like he actually has put that joy there, like he has entirely everything to do with it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Half-Light**

* * *

><p>Kate lowers herself into the water, one foot at a time down the wide steps at the shallow end of their pool. It feels good; the water is warmer than she expected. She turns and Castle hands her the baby, then comes into the pool with Dashiell. The sun is still golden and giving off heat, despite the lateness of the day, and the pool lights illuminate the long shadows.<p>

Ellery kicks her feet against Kate's ribs, her little body snuggled tight against her mother's.

"Turn her around," Castle says, squinting and ducking as water goes flying. He's got a hand under Dash's stomach, holding him up as Dash kicks, great jets of water splashing them both.

Kate grins at them and slowly sinks down a little further, jostling Ella so that the girl's back is to Kate's chest. Ellery wriggles and makes her little cricket noises, her head moving back and forth. She brings a fist to her mouth and chews on it, then slaps it against the water, startling.

"Oh, it's my baby sister," Dash says, tunneling his arms through the water. Castle lets him go and Dash manages to swim sloppily towards them. "Hey, baby. Hey Ellie."

Kate resists pulling back, torn between catching her son and keeping the water out of her daughter's eyes.

Castle starts laughing, reaches out to lift Dash a little in the water, hand at his belly. "Look at her face, Kate."

She curls around Ellery to get a good view of the baby, sees her gasping and eyes wide, little legs working and fists moving. Clearly enjoying it. Water sprays her chest, her cheeks, the top of her head from Dashiell's clumsy swimming, but her eyes stay riveted on her brother.

"She likes it," Kate says, lifting a bewildered glance to Castle. She cracks a smile, shakes her head. "She's crazy."

"Mommy, can I hold her?"

"No, baby. Not in the water."

"Can we swim together?"

"Swim-?"

Castle nods at Kate, reaches out for Ellery. Kate gives her up, that tug of reluctance, bittersweet, but she grabs her son instead, gives him a little boost as he gets tired of treading water.

"Watch, Kate. Our baby can swim."

Castle sinks lower in the water, then starts knee-walking with Ellery out in front of him. The girl chirps, giving him a wide grin. Castle's got each hand under her armpits, but Kate can tell he's barely holding her up, just letting her float.

"Is that - okay?" she calls, glancing back down to Dashiell when he grabs for her arm.

"Yeah, yeah, watch. She can swim."

She can swim?

"Me and Ellie swim," Dash giggles.

But Castle is already tugging the baby forward, her body horizontal, belly in the water, Castle's thumbs pointing towards the sky as he keeps her balanced with just his fingers under her arms. He goes backward, and Ellery comes after, her arms and legs moving, kicking, her head bobbing up and down.

She squeaks, those little noises echoing across the water.

"How did you know how to do this, Castle?"

"I took Alexis to Water Babies when she was four months old. And I did this with Dash too. So Ella and I have been going to the community pool."

Oh. She vaguely remembers him saying they've gone; she just didn't realize Ellery was doing any swimming.

Castle pulls up beside her with Ellery, and the girl is giving them all these huge grins. Dashiell is jumping off against Kate's thigh in the water, both hands holding onto her arm, swinging in the water.

"She swim with me, and she go under the water, Mommy."

Kate glances to Rick, raising an eyebrow. "She can go underwater?"

"Yeah, watch." Castle leans over the baby and lifts her up a little. "Ellery. Hey, baby. Ellery. Ready? Go." At _go_ he splashes water in her face, wipes his wet hand down over her eyes. She starts babbling, that long string of _ma-ma-ma-ma_ that always makes Kate's heart flip over.

"Hey, baby, you like that?" Kate murmurs to her, reaching out to smooth a fat drop of water down her forehead. Her dark hair is soaking wet now, rivulets streaming into her eyes, but Ellery keeps up her string of talking.

"Ellery," Castle says again. "Ready? Go." He splashes her again, and Kate realizes that Ella is holding her breath every time Castle says 'Ready.' Oh. Behavioral training, just like Julie has them do with Dash.

"This is what you do in Water Babies?" Kate asks quietly, trying not to interrupt the rhythm Castle has going. Ellery, her beautiful little _ma-ma-mas_, in time to the splashes of water, little squeals when she blinks her eyes.

Her eyes. They are still so very blue, and by now they'll stay that way. She has Rick's eyes, but against her dark, Beckett hair, they are so startling, so avid and full of expression.

Dashiell stands up on his mother's thighs and bounces. Kate adjusts so that the boy won't knock into his sister, then sinks down a little more in the shallow end so he can keep climbing her.

"Okay, she's ready. Watch, Kate."

Castle holds Ellery in front of him, the baby facing him. He calls her name, but this time on _Go_ he dips her down under the water, pulling her forward, and then back up in his arms.

Ellery comes out of the water with something like a laugh, babbling her babytalk, her feet kicking so hard she bounces. Castle cradles her against his chest, laughing with her, praising her in that low, excited voice.

Oh, God, Kate is so jealous. And she's not sure of which one of them - her husband or her daughter. Ha. She scoops an arm around Dashiell and stands up, walks closer to Castle and Ellery.

"Wow."

"Yeah, she's good, huh? You get until about ten months of age before babies lose their natural reflex to hold their breath. So if you do this, I think it helps train them for the water."

"That's how you taught Dash, too?"

"Yeah." Castle turns Ellery around and she immediately lunges out for the water. Castle isn't expecting it and Ella gets a a hand and the side of her face submerged before he can lift her back out again. He laughs at her and she sputters, a hand waving in the air.

"She clapping; she likes it!" Dashiell crows.

"She's clapping? With one hand?" Castle says, snorting at Dash.

"Her give you high-five, Daddy." He lifts his own arm and leans out from Kate, intercepting Ellery's thrashing arm with his own palm. "Up high. Down low. Too slow!"

Kate rolls her eyes, but lets Dash continue to pretend to high-five his sister. Ellery kicks her foot out in the water and manages to splash her brother.

Dashiell laughs and splashes her back.

"Ooh, my man, not so hard," Kate grabs his arm before he can do it again. "Gotta be careful."

"But. She go under the water, Mommy. She likes it."

"That doesn't mean it's a good idea to splash her when she's not ready."

But then Ellery kicks her foot out again and manages to splash Dashiell square in the face. Dash rears back, knocking into Kate's chest, and Ellery starts laughing so hard, even Castle looks surprised.

"Okay, never mind, splash away," Kate murmurs, sharing a look with Rick as they both listen to Ella's laughter.

"I splash her?" Dash says, wiping water out of his eyes.

"Yeah, sure. Go for it." Kate holds him while he slaps his hand against the top of the water - something his father taught him, surely. It causes a stream of water to jet up, completely missing Ellery and getting Castle in the face instead.

Now Kate's laughing as hard as her daughter, and Castle is wiping a hand down his face, giving his wife a look.

"Again! Again!"

Dashiell moves to splash again, but Ellery's caught on to the game and kicks her foot out. Just her toes skim the surface, and it's barely anything at all, but Dashiell hams it up. He yells and flops over in Kate's arms, peeking out at his sister as he moans and writhes.

Ellery laughs at him, then glances up to Kate and gives her a big grin, babbling, "Ma-ma, ma-ma."

"Oh." Kate stops laughing, breathless with the look, the sound of her name.

But the moment won't stop for her, won't pause so she can memorize it. Dashiell is slippery and active and moves to splash his sister back, Castle is telling Dash to stop bending his mother's arm backward, and Kate is rooted to the spot, watching her daughter laugh and call for her mama.

* * *

><p>She's ravenous by the time they get Dashiell to bed with promises that the sooner he falls asleep, the sooner it's morning and time for more swimming. Ellery is asleep in the crib that Castle pulled into the room next to their own; Kate checks on the baby one last time before coming back out into the hall.<p>

Rick is standing there, waiting for her; he grabs her hand, turns, and she follows him to the staircase.

"Hurry, Castle," she moans, prodding his back as they head down. "Make me dinner. I'm starving."

He throws her a dirty look as he steps into the kitchen, but he walks to the pantry and opens it with a sigh.

"Oh no. We didn't bring anything, did we?" Kate comes to his back, her fingers at his hips, peering over his shoulder. "Was Dash's mac and cheese the last of it?"

Rick shrugs, bumping her cheek so that her head goes along for the ride. He releases the pantry door and raises his hand to stroke his fingers through her hair as she leans against him. "Looks like," he sighs.

"We have nothing?" She scans the shelves, but it's mostly cans of this or that, non-perishables, nothing that could even be thrown together. She kisses his palm as he scratches at her scalp.

His presses her head against his shoulder. "I see a can of peas."

"Gross. Go get me food, Rick."

"Why do I have to do it?" he whines, turning to loop his arms at her waist, their hips flush.

"Because you love me. And you want to feed me. And keep me happy." She gives him her best lowered-eyelashes pout and trails her finger up his chest, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you?"

He growls and gives her a rough kiss, breaks away when her stomach growls back. She laughs at the look on his face.

"Food first, stud."

"Fine, fine. It'll have to be fast food."

"I don't even care. Ooh, you know I love those burgers up there on the corner. What's that place called?"

"Yeah, yeah. Uh. South Fork? Something. I'll stop there; see if they're open."

She lifts on her toes and kisses him. "God bless you. Now go."

Kate shoves him out the door.

* * *

><p>When Castle gets back with those greasy, huge cheeseburgers that Kate goes nuts for (she says they're better than Remy's), his wife jumps him.<p>

He laughs and holds the bag over his head, pushing her back. "Hold on. Jeez. Let a man get in the door."

"Rick Castle, don't hold my food hostage. Give." She glares at him, but seriously, they've been together too long for those detective staredowns to work. Oh. Okay, never mind. That one makes him nervous.

He gives over the white bag, bottom stained with grease, and she carries it into the kitchen as he drops his keys and wallet to the entry table. When Kate re-did the place, and _yeah_ he did have to poke and prod her for nearly a year, she added these little things that remind him of their home together in the city. Like this, a place to dump his stuff when he comes in the door. Like the exact same chairs in the beach house's living room that are in the loft's living room. Home.

"You coming, Castle?"

He glances up from his sappy meditation to see Kate grinning at him from the kitchen, pulling fries out of the bag.

"Yeah, babe." He heads towards her and she frowns at him, poking his chest when he gets closer.

"Don't babe me."

"But you're so cute when you're pretending to be angry," he murmurs back, catching her finger and tugging. She doesn't falter, doesn't miss a beat, comes at him with her mouth open, bites his bottom lip before pushing her tongue along his teeth.

He growls and nudges her back against the counter, feels her hips jerk against him, once and then twice, a rhythm to it. He laughs into her mouth, moves to trail his teeth along her jawline. She makes those wonderful little gasping sounds at his ear, a hand clenching in his shirt and her fist rubbing up his ribs, bringing his shirt up too.

Castle breaks away when he feels cool air on his stomach, pulls her back with a hand at her throat, gentling her with a last kiss to her lips. "Thought you were hungry."

"Am. Hard to tell which is which," she says, and there's no guile, no seduction in her voice. She's so undone that she's being bluntly honest. It's arousal, sure, but he thinks it's also just the kind of emotionally turbulent day she's had.

Knowing this, he smiles softly at her, strokes his hand through her hair, kisses her once more under her eye, that beauty mark. She tastes like chlorine and salt. "You ate a fry without me."

"You were too slow." Kate curls her arms up between them, leans against his chest, calmer now. "You got two orders, right?"

"Of fries? Yeah. Course. You're not eating my fries."

She lifts her mouth to his again, sliding her tongue along the seam of his lips, seeking entrance. He cups her face in his hands, opens to her, lets them both get carried away for a moment before he pulls her back, their mouths breaking wetly.

He breathes shallowly, strokes his thumbs along her cheekbones. "Let's eat first, 'kay?"

She nods but doesn't step away. And that's when he knows that she'll tell him. Tonight. She'll talk about what happened, the man who died. _I was closest,_ she said.

He wonders if he wants to hear it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Half-Light**

* * *

><p>He's glad he convinced her to put the crib in the room next to them and not in the master bedroom. He checks on Ellery while she washes her face; when he comes back, she steps out of the bathroom in a white cami and boxer shorts. She looks tired without eyeliner or mascara, tired and older than he remembered. It makes his chest hurt.<p>

"Hey." He reaches out and snags her by the waist before she can get in bed.

Kate comes back to him, and when her eyes lift to his, suddenly she's neither of those things. She's vulnerable and young and falling apart. It won't take long.

Castle embraces her, surrounding her body with his. As if he can protect her, keep her pieces all in one place when she shatters. She curls her fingers around his neck, strong, tugs him back.

"Get in bed, Rick."

He lets her go but he pulls down the sheets and makes her crawl in ahead of him. When they're both settled and facing each other, he can't help reaching out and stroking the hair off her forehead. She catches his forearm, turns and kisses the inside of his wrist.

It'll be okay. Whatever the worst of it is, she's all right. She can still smile.

Castle slides his hand down her side, waits for her to start.

She puts an arm under her cheek."Truth?"

It makes him smile. He strokes his hand down her hip. "Yes. Your turn."

"Truth. It should've been me. It would have been me. But Berlinsky moved at the last second."

He wishes, for only a moment, that she would just cry. If she cried, maybe it would hurt less, maybe it would help, maybe it would be easier for him as well.

But she doesn't.

She won't take comfort for long either.

She stays stoic, a twitch of her eyelid her only tell. He waits, waits for her to regain herself, gather it back together, and then she tells the story.

"It was Esposito's case; we were just serving an arrest warrant. I wasn't even supposed to go. I tagged along as an extra body." Her eyes close, a silent invitation.

Castle smooths his palm around her hip, strokes his fingers along her lower back. Listens for the next signal from her that will let him do more, offer more. He's learned to go at her pace.

She opens her eyes. "Me, Berlinsky, two others. We went to the back of the property to keep him from running. Espo banged on the front door. It sounded. . .I thought our guy was at the front. Barricading himself inside." She sucks in a breath, curls her fingers in the space between them.

He inches closer, laying his head on his arm, stretching it out until his thumb brushes over the line in her forehead. Patient. Waiting.

"I'm standing there, weapon drawn, vest on, listening to Esposito, and then there's this rush of movement. I still can't-" She shakes her hand, closes her eyes again.

He slides his hand under her head, curls his arm up around her neck to press her into him. She comes now, eyes still closed, her forehead at his skin. When she speaks, her words are soft, muffled by his shirt.

"I don't know what happened. Berlinsky shifts forward, and then his jaw - his face - exploded."

His hand at her tailbone slides up, rests between her shoulder blades. He presses his lips to the top of her head.

"The guy is rushing us - Berlinsky is clawing at me - the two uniforms tackle the suspect, bring him down with his .45 still in hand, but I'm - I was - I had Berlinsky half in my arms and he's trying to speak but there's nothing there to - there's not-"

Rick smooths his hand down her hair, over and over, puts his mouth at her forehead, her temple.

She shivers and snakes her arms around him. "He was aiming for my head, I guess. Just wanted to take out as many of us as he went. If Berlinsky hadn't moved-"

"It's not your fault. You didn't do it," he says, his voice strong.

She nods. "I know. I - I do know that."

He wants to ask her _What is it, then?_ but she doesn't respond well to rushing, being pushed. He has to wait. Just wait.

Her knee slides up between them, nudges his. She lets out a long sigh against his chest. "He was close to retirement - he was nearly there. Wife, two grown kids, son and daughter. And I wonder. . .will that be me in twenty years, thirty? Will I be serving my last warrant before getting out of the 12th for good and then-"

He sighs and curls his fingers at the back of her head, confronts the thing straight on. "Any - anything's possible. That's. . .it could be next week, or - or in thirty years. But that could be either of us, Kate. A heart attack, a bus while I'm jaywalking and playing with my phone-"

She huffs at him, but it's not close enough to true amusement to provide the gallows humor she uses like armor after things like this. He doesn't have anything better to offer her though, because the thought that it could've been Esposito calling him this morning instead of Kate, or Ryan asking him to come to the station instead of his wife-

She nods as if she can sense his darkening thoughts; her hand closes in a fist in his shirt.

But it wasn't either of the boys who called. It was Kate. She's here.

He waits, but when she doesn't speak, he realizes there is probably still more. Now is the time to push. "Kate. What you do - who you are - you know what it means, how it brings light to people in their darkest moments, and more - more - you're like Superman. Fighting for truth, justice. Making the world right again."

She doesn't laugh. It's not funny either, is it? He cards his fingers through her hair, waits on her to illuminate him.

She releases his shirt, smooths it with her palm. "His partner. Charlie. Charlie something. I don't - he said. He said that Berlinsky's wife would never survive this."

Castle feels her knee slide between his thighs, shifts so that she can come closer.

"Castle." The rough edge in her voice alerts him, but he's still not prepared for what she says next. "Promise me. Promise me you'll survive it."

"What?" He curls his hand at the back of her neck, tries to pull her back to look at her face.

She opens her eyes, dark and desperate. "Promise me, Castle. You'll survive, and you'll make sure - make absolutely certain - that our kids survive it. Better than I did. With my mom."

He closes his eyes, sick at heart.

"Promise me," she urges, her fingers at the corners of his eyes. "Please. Please. Just do for them what you've done for me. Don't let it break you."

"It won't happen," he growls finally, opens his eyes. "It won't happen-"

"It might. It could. You said it - anything's possible."

"No," he shakes his head, cups her cheek with his hand.

"Promise me." Far from being shaken, being broken, her voice is steel, unrelenting. The strength of her need makes him straighten up, stop imagining the worst.

He gulps in a ragged breath. "I - It - I promise."

She breathes out on a long sigh, her whole body slumps towards him. Her arms wrap around his neck, her words softer now. "I just - I don't want to do that to them."

"Kate," he says, brushes his lips to her ear. "I'd miss you for the rest of my life, ache for you, love. But I'd never let our kids go down that rabbit hole. I promise you."

Her body presses into his, urgent and intense, and he knows tonight he will memorize every response, every touch, for the dark day she's made him promise against.

And pray he never needs it.

* * *

><p>Kate opens her eyes again, sees him draw away from her, letting her cool off. Her heart is pounding, but she catches his hand before he lets go, clings to his fingers. He lies on his side, watching her too closely, and she draws his hand to her hip, leaves it there.<p>

After a moment, she nestles a little closer, her fingers at his chin, only about a foot between them. She's a little breathless, her body still fizzing and delicious; she sees pride in the back of his eyes, along with a shadow she knows she put there, knows she needs to banish.

"Truth," she murmurs, her head on the pillow, feeling his fingers trace the line of her hipbone. She likes the feel of his skin against hers at just these small points of contact, the way he waits for her to settle.

He lifts his eyes to hers in surprise but he nods. "Okay. Truth." His palm presses hotly against the curve of her body but he doesn't move closer, doesn't tease. "My turn, huh?"

She's just so grateful for him. She has told her story, gotten it out, and now he doesn't try to pretend that was anything other than what it was. He doesn't even ask for more, and that's a selflessness and sacrifice she wishes she were worthy of.

"I got it," he says softly, and his eyes drift over her shoulder. "I know you think I hate to wake up in the morning. But I love when I get to lie in bed and watch you get dressed for work. I love that I know all day what color panties you're wearing."

She gives a little breathless laugh, because she kinda loves it when he watches her, lazy eyes and that effortless perusal. She opens her mouth to say something but he shakes his head, continues.

"And when Dash wakes you early, and I miss it? I come out into the kitchen and find you already dressed. Then I get to study your blouse and try to guess what's underneath. And you know what? I'm almost always right."

She hums, lifting an eyebrow. "Oh, you are?"

He's grinning widely at her. "Know why? Because you don't care about the bra. You always want your panties to match your shirt."

She laughs at that, leans her forehead into his sternum with a blush. Because yeah, she does that. She didn't realize; it wasn't a conscious thing. But it makes her happy. Stupid, small, but it starts the day right. And he knows it.

"What's your favorite pair?" she asks, biting her lower lip and leaning back to look in his eyes. She didn't feel so great, her heart too heavy, but with the way he loved her, the way her loves her now, different of course, but with the same intensity, it works. He makes her smile again. She hopes she does the same for him.

"Mm, my favorite. The purple ones with the dark purple polka dots."

She hums and tugs on his shoulder, bringing him towards her, wanting him over her again. "Why those?" she murmurs, kissing the side of his neck as he curls around her. His head rests on her pillow beside her cheek.

He kisses her quickly. "Because you wear that royal purple shirt with it. You pop three buttons on that shirt, because they're a little bit closer together. But it's enough to tease."

"Oh my word. It's two from now on."

He laughs back, growls at her neck. "Don't you dare."

"Uh-huh. Secret's out, Rick."

"Oh, you know what else? When you wear the purple ones, most times, you also wear that blue polka-dot bra with it. The only time, usually, that you match like that."

"Not exactly a match."

"It is to me. It is to you too, isn't it?"

She nods against him, can't understand why she feels so ridiculously joyful over the the fact that Castle knows this. Knows that purple polka dots on her panties somehow go right along with the light blue polka dots on her bra, that she feels compelled to wear them together with that purple dress shirt. That she feels-

Girly in it. Not sexy, not hot, just . . . girly.

He lifts up and lightly kisses her mouth, lingers there, breathing with her, touches his tongue to her top lip. She shivers and draws her arms down, fingers at his neck and stroking the fine hairs there.

"You're amazing," she murmurs.

"Because I pay attention?"

"Because - because you just are." She nudges his mouth for another kiss, light again, whisper soft. "Because you love me." She takes a shallow breath, rubs her cheek against his, then pulls back only far enough to see his eyes. "Because you're mine."

He still seems shadowed, even in the middle of his attempt to make her laugh. She reaches up, drums her fingers along the side of his face, skirts his eyebrow, dips down his nose.

"I'm yours?"

"Mm. You know it."

His fingers brush her ears as he leans down to kiss her again, still gentle, soft, the touch of a feather along her lips.

When he pulls away again, she doesn't want that. She raises her knee to hook her leg around him, draw him down over her completely. He settles his hips to hers, an eyebrow raised.

She lifts her head to capture his mouth, slides her fingers up his left side, where he's sensitive, feels him jerk, his grunt against her lips. "Kate?"

"Your turn, Castle." She nips at his chin, rocks her body along his so he knows. "It's your turn."

"Oh?"

She hums agreement against the underside of his jaw, brushes her fingers down his side again.

He growls and settles his weight over her.

"Then Dare."

Dare. She can do that.

"I love you too, you know?" She feels her lungs expand suddenly with a deep breath, as if this is what she's wanted to say all along. "I love you, Rick."

The dark recedes from his eyes.

* * *

><p><strong>end<strong>


End file.
